Fell

Wishing for a second chance
If t’were to speak perchance
A foolhardy decision, some say
But let words speak, if they may

In the same mind frame
One the gent, the other the dame
T’were no arguing
Just constant happy and smiling

It came to pass
A complication, not en masse
A fix needed — just a simple one
But one knew not how tis to be done

Prayers and wishes
For the bye-bye of issues
To seek for peace
That requires not lease

Loved and loving
Wishes for him calling
Feeling sad
But never will be mad

Constantly hoping
As one continuous longing
Despite the words they say
“Move on, you getting together, no way”

To know one is a fool
And acting quite the mule
Ah well
One quite apparently fell

Invisible War

Loved, then lost
But that’s alright
Just like a tournament of joust
You either fall or you stay upright

I’ve tried all I could
I’ve reached out the only way I know
I feel like I have pursued
But I have nothing to show

Calm on the outside
While I rage a battle within
I really don’t like to hide
But I don’t know how to win

A cold war
Between Russia and the West
Strained manoeuvres
Quite heavy in the chest

This current invisible war
It rivals that historic tension
Why should it ever be on par
With what I have just mentioned?

Where goodwill and camaraderie once stood
Now only silence remains
Memories as medals of all that was good
While the strain I feel — severely maimed

I just want to mend the ties
Before all that once was just completely dies

I wave my white flag up in surrender

My Disney Role Models

the-hunchback-of-notre-dame-the-hunchback-of-notre-dame-34249388-500-300

Esmeralda and Mulan.

Plus Pocahontas.

Reasons:

Esmeralda

  • Her kindness and humanitarianism
  • Selflessness
  • Never judges someone by their appearances
  • Loyal
  • Brave/courageous
  • Independent
  • Quick, with street smarts

Mulan

  • Loyal
  • Family values
  • Fearless
  • Independent
  • Innovative problem solver
  • Clever

Pocahontas

  • Nature lover (the environment rules!)
  • Full of heart
  • Brave/courageous
  • Independent

Source:

http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/the-hunchback-of-notre-dame/images/34249388/title/hunchback-notre-dame-fanart

Ravenclaw, I doth belong in

“I’m Prefect Robert Hilliard, and I’m delighted to welcome you to RAVENCLAW HOUSE. Our emblem is the eagle, which soars where others cannot climb; our house colors are blue and bronze, and our common room is found at the top of Ravenclaw Tower, behind a door with an enchanted knocker. The arched windows set into the walls of our circular common room look down at the school grounds: the lake, the Forbidden Forest, the Quidditch pitch and the Herbology gardens. No other house in the school has such stunning views.

“Without wishing to boast, this is the house where the cleverest witches and wizards live. Our founder, Rowena Ravenclaw, prized learning above all else – and so do we. Unlike the other houses, who all have concealed entrances to their common rooms, we don’t need one. The door to our common room lies at the top of a tall, winding staircase. It has no handle, but an enchanted bronze knocker in the shape of an eagle. When you rap on the door, this knocker will ask you a question, and if you can answer it correctly, you are allowed in. This simple barrier has kept out everyone but Ravenclaws for nearly a thousand years.

“Some first-years are scared by having to answer the eagle’s questions, but don’t worry. Ravenclaws learn quickly, and you’ll soon enjoy the challenges the door sets. It’s not unusual to find twenty people standing outside the common room door, all trying to work out the answer to the day’s question together. This is a great way to meet fellow Ravenclaws from other years, and to learn from them – although it is a bit annoying if you’ve forgotten your Quidditch robes and need to get in and out in a hurry. In fact, I’d advise you to triple-check your bag for everything you need before leaving Ravenclaw Tower.

“Another cool thing about Ravenclaw is that our people are the most individual – some might even call them eccentrics. But geniuses are often out of step with ordinary folk, and unlike some other houses we could mention, we think you’ve got the right to wear what you like, believe what you want, and say what you feel. We aren’t put off by people who march to a different tune; on the contrary, we value them!

“Speaking of eccentrics, you’ll like our Head of house, Professor Filius Flitwick. People often underestimate him, because he’s really tiny (we think he’s part elf, but we’ve never been rude enough to ask) and he’s got a squeaky voice, but he’s the best and most knowledgeable Charms master alive in the world today. His office door is always open to any Ravenclaw with a problem, and if you’re in a real state he’ll get out these delicious little cupcakes he keeps in a tin in his desk drawer and make them do a little dance for you. In fact, it’s worth pretending you’re in a real state just to see them jive.

“Ravenclaw house has an illustrious history. Most of the greatest wizarding inventors and innovators were in our house, including Perpetua Fancourt, the inventor of the lunascope, Laverne de Montmorency, a great pioneer of love potions, and Ignatia Wildsmith, the inventor of Floo powder. Famous Ravenclaw Ministers for Magic include Millicent Bagnold, who was in power on the night that Harry Potter survived the Dark Lord’scurse, and defended the wizarding celebrations all over Britain with the words, ‘I assert our inalienable right to party.’ There was also Minister Lorcan McLaird, who was a quite brilliant wizard, but preferred to communicate by puffing smoke out of the end of his wand. Well, I did say we produce eccentrics. In fact, we are also the house that gave the wizarding world Uric the Oddball, who used a jellyfish for a hat. He’s the punch line of a lot of wizarding jokes.

“As for our relationship with the other three houses: well, you’ve probably heard about the Slytherin. They’re not all bad, but you’d do well to be on your guard until you know them well. They’ve got a long house tradition of doing whatever it takes to win – so watch out, especially in Quidditch matches and exams.

“The Gryffindor are OK. If I had a criticism, I’d say Gryffindors tend to be show-offs. They’re also much less tolerant than we are of people who are different; in fact, they’ve been known to make jokes about Ravenclaws who have developed an interest in levitation, or the possible magical uses of troll bogies, or ovomancy, which (as you probably know) is a method of divination using eggs. Gryffindors haven’t got our intellectual curiosity, whereas we’ve got no problem if you want to spend your days and nights cracking eggs in a corner of the common room and writing down your predictions according to the way the yolks fall. In fact, you’ll probably find a few people to help you.

“As for the Hufflepuffs, well, nobody could say they’re not nice people. In fact, they’re some of the nicest people in the school. Let’s just say you needn’t worry too much about them when it comes to competition at exam time.

“I think that’s nearly everything. Oh yes, our house ghost is the Grey Lady. The rest of the school thinks she never speaks, but she’ll talk to Ravenclaws. She’s particularly useful if you’re lost, or you’ve mislaid something.

“I’m sure you’ll have a good night. Our dormitories are in turrets off the main tower; our four-poster beds are covered in sky blue silk eiderdowns and the sound of the wind whistling around the windows is very relaxing.

“And once again: well done on becoming a member of the cleverest, quirkiest and most interesting house at Hogwarts.”

P.S. I knew when I first took the test in 2012, I didn’t belong in Gryffindor… Now, Ravenclaw though. Yes. Definitely moi.

Personal Thoughts 006

“My head reels. My heart is heavy. My thoughts are distracted. I see red, yet I see so unwillingly.”

That, above is how I felt at the beginning of this week, as well as most of last week. Following that was sadness. Then pain. Now, all I feel is a strange peace as I finally accept how things have come to be. Also, this probably stems from the fact that my prayers have helped and guided me to this point thus far. Maybe this feeling is temporary — I don’t know.

I’ve thought things through. Many times. All the time. Constantly. Despite not seeming like it, the thoughts would still come, no matter what. I accepted that. I go through my memories, looking for where things went wrong, and I always come to the conclusion that it was my fault. And then I try to shoulder the blame I placed on myself by myself. And that’s just a lot of weight. After a while, it became a normal, everyday burden, that it comes off as being natural; it is akin to being almost weightless, save for the fact that thoughts would still pop up occasionally.

I remained silent, keeping everything bottled up, merely because I know of my tendency to over-think everything. I also didn’t want to come off as being too overtly sensitive. But I guess I do come off that way now (so does he though). He’s had enough. I feel it. I’ve also had enough. And that feeling overpowered me internally, despite the fact that it may not seem so on the outside — I have, after all, great emotional control.

I’ve had enough in a sense that I cannot continue to let myself be jailed by these constant thoughts that plague me about the many mistakes I made and can see; it is horrible to live through these thoughts constantly, blaming myself every single time I am reminded of the things I could have done the right way.

I blame myself. I really do. I am horrible at communicating how I feel inside, merely because I grew up more on my father’s side’s family and they aren’t the most communicative and emotive types, unlike my mother’s side; they would rather stay silent about their personal issues than speak how they feel due to the thought that it might hit the wrong note with someone. Rather, they can function in great unity silently, without ever having to speak a word, since everyone is just highly in tune with everyone else’s wavelengths. Heck, it can be ridiculously impossible to even say the very simple phrase “I love you” to my parents (mostly my dad) without feeling weird, sappy, and corny.

I know that is my weakness, and for the rest of my life, that will be one of my struggles. I’m not saying I don’t know how to communicate with people; rather, I am far more adept at communicating abstract and theoretical ideas and thoughts, than communicating my own personal thoughts and feelings regarding more specific situations and people — I can’t say I don’t try, because I really do.

I tend to portray myself to the external world as someone who is very distant from how she feels, showing myself as more of an intellect who has no time for emotions. When in fact, she does feel things and wants to communicate these things, but she just doesn’t know how to.

All that aside, I know I could have done things better. I just had no guidance, and so, I didn’t know what to do. But I also feel that I just wasn’t getting any feedback from his end, and so I felt even more clueless and lost.

When I finally did get the guts to ask again, after a really long period of time, I get nothing. Nada. Zilch. I try again. Nothing. Another time. Nothing. And then I just realized how stupid it was trying to reach out to someone who didn’t want to bother. And chasing him about it felt unorthodox, because of preconceived gender roles and all that. I may have just wanted to ask him for an explanation and reason (and maybe even if reconciliation was possible), but constantly going after him about it made me feel like a complete ass and that I was the one with the literal balls — not the other way round.

I still hope for the best in the future in terms of our ties, but I guess I just need to see how it will all play out now. But I do miss getting to talk to him easily without strain. I just miss those easier times.

One thing to note though is that…well…to be honest…he didn’t time it really well that boat time, in my opinion. But then, I wouldn’t have known how to time it myself, so kudos to him for giving it a try at all.

Huh. This is a post of even more full disclosure. And all that psycho-babble; I think too much.